Well once again I keep forgetting about this thing!!!! I just can't seem to delete it however, it dates way to far back and I like reading all my old entries!!! So... lets see... I GRADUATED IN MAY!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!
I think I forgot to mention last year that my dad got married! Crazy right?!? I officially have a step mom and a step brother and sister. My mom is still seeing that guy John, but no ring or anything yet. Apparently he asked her to marry him, but has not given her a ring yet. It's so stupid. She's basically just using him cuz she doesnt wanna be alone... what an example to set for your children right?
Dan and I are great! We just celebrated our 3 year anniversary! Yay! This year will be 6 years together, so we are doing something right!!! He's still at CCC on the day shift, but he's getting sick of it. The kids are just bad I guess and he's sick of going from bratty kids at work to bratty kids at home. He just needs to figure out what he wants to do with his life and then he can make a change.
The kids are great!!! Audrey just started a Pre-K class and she's doing great! She goes 4 days a week, and is the youngest kid in the class. It's actually a 5 year old class but when they met her they told me that she was better fit for the 5 year old class because she's so smart... it was a proud mommy moment! Benjamin is almost 2 now! He's talking a bit more now, but is still pretty non verbal. He's crazy smart though. He fully understands whats going on, and he's such a good baby!!! He eats like a horse, which is funny because from what I hear Dan acted the same way as a baby. I am just so blessed to have such wonderful kids.. don't get me wrong, my kids can be terrors, but they are my terrors and I <3 them!
Julie and Lauries wedding are a week apart in June and I am the matron of honor! I'm really excited! Dave's wedding is in April, so that's coming close too!!! Lots of weddings, lots of celebrations! It's a really exciting time! Other than that, not sure what is new! Maybe I'll update in another year! haha
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March 18th, 2008
It all started 8 days ago. I had something I have never had before, or at least not to the extent that this one had occured. I had my first panic attack. I think it was a panic attack anyways. I couldnt stop crying, and it wasnt the teary eyed sort of cry. This was the sobbing, drooling, can't catch my breath type of crying. I actually looked later that night and I had broken blood vessels on my eyelids due to all the crying. So that is just to give a clear idea of what exactly was happening.
Anyways, Friday was a normal day I suppose. I worked thursday night into friday morning like usual, then went to school, came home, spent time with the kiddies, and went to work friday night into saturday morning. At 7am Dan and I exchanged the kids in the work parking lot as usual, and I took the kids home. I was immediately in a bad mood, I dont really know why. I was very tired, I didnt get much sleep on friday, maybe 4 hours before work. On top of being just plain exhausted, Audrey was being a BRAT. I dont know what it is, I think she knows when I am feeling more cranky than normal, because it is on those days that she really likes to push my buttons. She was in timeout 10 minutes after we got home. Benjamin was cranky too. He has been sick, not feeling like himself at all. Dan and I had taken him to after hours on friday night but they said he just had a bad cold, and to not worry about it (the same thing they told us 2 weeks ago when we took him then because he was sick then as well).
I was so MAD. I told Audrey that mommy didnt sleep well the day before and that I was sorry if I was extra cranky today, but she (in true Audrey fashion) "Shhhh"ed me. GRRR!!!!! Again, she went in time out. By 11am, Audrey had been in timeout over 6 times. She questioned everything, refused to eat the breakfast that she specifically asked for, then refused to eat. And of course, 20 minutes later she was hungry but didnt want the breakfast I had made for her. I know that this is typical stuff, but I was just so angry that day. She defied me in every way. I kept telling myself that it was a normal 3 and a half year old thing to do, but I couldnt control in any longer. The next time she was in timeout, she was screaming (my daughter doesnt do anything but scream) and I smacked her... hard.
I dont know why I did it. I am used to her screaming. I have spanked her before, but it has been on her butt and it wasnt out of pure frustration. When I hit her this time, it was strictly because I was annoyed. I just wanted her to stop crying. I wanted some peace and quiet. I got anything but. The only thing I got was more tears from her and a terribly guilty conscience. So guilty that I started crying, and that caused my panic attack.
I felt as if I was losing control. I like to have control, ask anyone. I am known as the "planner". I am the person that people go to to help organize parties (or throw them), baby showers, bridal showers, birthday parties.. name it and I have planned it. I like it that way. I had ZERO help on my wedding, and it wasnt because my bridesmaids were slackers, it was because I am a control freak! When my kids lose control, I have no control ecause I cant physically make them stop. It is so un-nerving!!! I immediately called my best friend Tracy to vent, but she didnt answer so I called both of my parents.. no answer.
Finally I called my sister and just let loose. I told her how I felt that I have no help with the kids other than dan. Dan and I work opposite shifts, so we dont see each other much, and that means we dont parent the kids together at all. It is almost always me alone with the kids or Dan alone with the kids, never the two of us together. All of my family and friends know that I am working full time and going to school full time, and all of them basically tell me I am nuts and that I am over-doing it. But does anyone call me to offer to come over and help me? NO. Not once has anyone ever called and offered to come over so I can sleep a few extra hours for a day, or take the kids to the park so I can do some schoolwork. NOT A DAMN PERSON.
Everyone else I know has really strong family ties. My parents don't really help, my mom almost NEVER does, and my father is not much more than that. My sister is very immature for her age, suffering from a terrible case of "spoiled brat syndrome", so I literally have nobody to depend on. And my friends consider me the "lucky one" because I am married. I find that hilarious. Yes, I am lucky. I am married to a WONDERFUL man whom I am head over heals in love with, but when we see each other for a few hours a week, I dont consider myself lucky. It makes our marriage a living hell sometimes. We fight constantly, and when we finally have a few moments to ourselves we talk about money which leads to another fight.
Yes, we are parents, but we are also 24 years old and we would like some freedom sometimes. It's kinda hard to have that when we have to pay a sitter to watch them, and seeing as how we dont have any extra money lying around, guess how often we have a date night to ourselves? Maybe (big MAYBE) every 3 or 4 months. Pathetic. I know we took the hard road by having kids so young. Hell, my mom wanted me to have an abortion with both kids, and that certainly would have made our lives easier, but it is not what we wanted. We knew we would get married and have a family someday, but God just gave it to us a little sooner than expected. I have heard all too often that people are suprised that I have continued to stay in school, and I am glad they are shocked, because I am too. It would have been so easy to quit and use my children as an excuse. But I did it. I graduate in something like 55 days.
I am interviewing for new jobs. I am going to have a day job. I am going to still be making crap money. But I am happy! I will have a bit of normalcy. But yet, it is 55 days away and I cannot seem to get anyone to help me as I reach the home stretch. All I am asking for is a little support during the hardest semester of all, but I get nothing. My sister told my dad and I went through the whole scenario with him, and he called my mom so I went through it again with my mom after that. I got to work that night.. BOOM.. it hit me again, so I called Marisa to help me through it. Guess how many people called me the next day after my breakdown?
NOBODY. (I talked to Marisa through text messages but my family never called me). Not one word from my family who encouraged me the day before. All they said was that "It's so close, you can do it". It makes me wonder who really cares. I know they are my family, but how come I dont have that support? It's not just me who needs it. Poor Dan works all day, and as soon as he gets home I go to bed... so he goes from full time worker to full time dad in a matter of minutes. So he has to be the parent alone too. I dont even know what my point of all this is, I guess I just needed a place to vent, which is what this blog lets me do.
Once I get a job, I know that my life will be much more stress free. I had an interview on tuesday at DePaul. I would be a case worker for senior citizens (aka exactly what I want!) but my hopes are not up. A lot of people are interviewing for it and are super qualified, so :o/
I should know about it shortly. Wish me luck
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