April 16th, 2004

So I am still not in a good mood, in fact, I think its even worse than before. I hate feeling this way, but I cant help it.

My dad is the issue. We are living with him, and I know I have mentioned how his moods have been, and well... we just cant take it anymore. All I do is cry *poor dan* because of my dad. I feel like a HUGE inconvienence, well, we both do. I think my dad blames me and dan for him and lubi's breakup. Ever since we moved in, we didnt see her here once! And I think he thinks its our faults. I know he is seeing this girl Kim again. He tried to deny it, but I am not a fuckin moron. She calls here almost once a day. I'm not really mad that he's dating someone else, its the fact that first of all, he told me kim is living with her boyfriend or fiance, AND he's like stringing my mom along for the ride.

I grew up with my dad cheating on my mom. He claims it was only once, but I dont believe him. And then he said how in love he was with Lubi, yet he cheated on her A LOT!!! He was actually dating Kim years ago while he was dating Lubi, so that just kinda erks me. I have sooo many trust issues in mine and dans relationship, and its all cuz of my father. I know in my heart that dan would NEVER cheat on me, yet in my head, all i see is my dad proclaiming his devotion to my mother and all these other women, and him cheating on them like its no biggie.

Its killing me inside, and I dont wanna have to raise a child in this house with my fiance under these circumstances. I want my child to believe that a relationship is based on LOVE, not sex. And in this house, its just not possible. So me and dan are looking into welfare. We need to get a place of our own, where theres no drama. I dont wanna live on welfare, thats why I am going to college, to have a good life. But neither of us feels welcome here anymore. Dad snaps about everything. He says my grandfather is never happy, yet he doesnt even realize that he's turning into a miserable grouch just like he see's my gramps.

UGH I need to stop crying... THANK THE LORD I HAVE DAN... he's my rock.