January 20th, 2005

I think my Grandpa is dying. I'm lost inside. He's been in the hospital for a few days. His blood pressure is too low, and the doctors say its like his heart is giving up on him. They actually prepared my grandma for the worst 2 nights ago. But yesterday I hear he was a lot better, enough to be moved from ICU... but just as yesterday was good, today can get bad again. I love him so much. I havent even made it up there to see him yet.. I'm scared to. I dont know what to do. I have lost people in my family, but nobody I was so close with. We are so close, I call him when I know my grandma is away just so he's not bored. I dont do it enough tho, and now what if I dont get a chance to say all the things I want to say to him. How I look up to him, and admire his strength in tough times. All I seem to be doing lately is breaking down. I'm never hungry, I always feel sick, I cry all the time, even at work. I'm even distancing myself from Dan. I know I shouldnt, but I cant help it. I was the last one to know about him being so sick. Everyone knew, even Dan, and nobody told me. My little sister knew a whole day before me. Do you know how that makes me feel? The fact that everyone knows how close me and grandpa are, and nobody told me how bad it was... its killing me inside. Not even Dan. My dad told him not to tell, and he actually listened. Didnt say a word or even hint to the fact. That hurts me so bad. I finally confronted my dad and thats how I found out. Its sad. What if he would have passed and I never got my chance to say goodbye? The wedding is in August, and my wish, my dream, my hope is that he will make it through then. Its what he wants to. He's already seen me in my wedding dress, and he told me he cant wait to see me walk down the aisle. Its breaking my heart inside, cuz if I feel so awful, how must my grandma feel? Married almost 50 years and I'm so selfish I'm thinking of myself. I couldnt imagine my life without Dan after 2 and a half years, so I cant imagine what my grandma is thinking. I cant believe I am thinking of myself in all of this... maybe Mark was right, maybe all I do is think of myself.. maybe I really am a truly horrible person.