I guess the first thing I'd like to say is that I love my daddy. I am a 26 year old married mother of 2, and yet without my daddy I'd be lost. Whenever something goes wrong in my life, if I need someone, he is ALWAYS the first person I think of. A few years ago when I came out of surgery, the doctors told me the first thing I said was "Where is my daddy, I want my daddy". The doctors laughed, as did I when they told me that, because I have no recollection of it, but it doesn't surprise me in the least.
It is not because my father does so much for us that I think of him as my savior (although I'd be lying if I said that without him I don't know where I'd be). It's because he has just always been there for me. When I first got pregnant with Audrey and told him, instead of freaking out and screaming that I should have an abortion (like my mother did), he told me everything would be ok. When I was struggling with my work/school/parenting schedule, he helped me just by listening and helping babysit so I could get schoolwork done. Even this past summer when I was taking my Graduate Research class aka the hardest freaking class of my life, my dad watched the kids once per week so I could go to the library at school ALL day and study/write papers. It has been his ongoing support and confidence in me that has allowed me to continue my education. I will be graduating with my Masters in less that 5 months with a GPA of at least 3.94. I owe that to my dad.
I should also mention what a wonderful grandfather he is. He has come to numerous amounts of Audrey's soccer games and recitals, come to the hospital when Benjamin's arm was dislocated, came over Audrey's first day of school to watch her get off the bus, the trip to Vegas where he simply carried Audrey around Freemont Street because he was so excited to show her all the different things going on, playing Wii bowling with Audrey, letting Benjamin "help" with the yard work, playing outside with Benjamin, the 4 of us (dad, me, Audrey and Ben) practicing soccer moves and Benjamin suprising the helk out of us with how good he is... just everything. The other day, the kids called him and asked him if he would be coming over, and he hadn't planned on it, but he drove in the snow from Webster to come over and do a Scooby Doo puzzle with Audrey because she knew how much he likes Scooby, and then we all played UNO together. He had no reason to come over, but because the kids missed him he came. That is the kind of man my father is. Everyday he amazes me.
Recently, with things going on between my sister and my Aunt, my dad has simply lended an ear to me as I was upset. Whenever I tell him how much I appreciate what he has done for Dan and myself, he always shrugs it off like it is no big deal, but to me it is. It is the biggest deal. I feel guilty every time I hear him mention money because if it weren't for us, he would not have any financial problems at all. We try to tell him how much we appreciate him, and I know he knows it to be true, but telling him just doesn't seem to be enough. As if I don't feel guilty enough, today Kim was fired from her job.
I feel awful for her. Actually, awful doesn't begin to describe how I feel. I know that things will be financially worse for them than they already are, and I can't do a single thing to stop it. I already went searching for jobs at numerous websites and sent them to Kim today. I'm also going to be helping her with her resume this week, but it doesn't seem like enough. I want to do more. I want to ease their financial burden more than I want to ease my own. I cannot imagine the stress my dad will be under now. I truly just feel awful, and I feel like it's all my fault.
I'm starting to really regret some big decisions I have made in my life. I would never regret marrying Dan or having the kids, but part of me wonders what my future (and my dads future) would have held had I not gone to Fisher. My sister is making just about the same amount of money per year than Dan does right now, and she barely graduated highschool. That is not a slam against her in any way, but she really struggled, and I always admired how hard she worked at it, especially towards the end, considering I haven't had to work so hard at anything.
School has always come easy to me. I guess I take that for granted sometimes. I saw Dan struggle all throughout college to graduate with a 2.75GPA, and I never put in half the effort as him and my GPA was higher. Maybe that is why continuing my education has been so easy for me to consider, because I know that even though it is a lot of work, it comes easy to me and is easier than getting a job. Julie really likes what she does, makes the same amount of money as Dan who has a 4 year degree, and she doesn't have ANY student loans. I'm really jealous of her. Maybe if I didn't go to school, I would be financially better off and not be burdening my father. It really makes me wonder. I think I've been pretty selfish in that way. My dad is the one who co-signed all my loans, and when I graduate I am looking at almost $180,000 in loans. Can you imagine? I don't have a choice not to pay them or else the government would go after my dad. How bad does that suck for him? He is this amazing father who would do anything for his kids, including paying the mortgage, co-signing student loans, babysit so I could do homework, and much more that I haven't mentioned, and yet in the long run he is being screwed over by me. Obviously it wasn't intentional, but if you think about it, I have really fucked up his life.
My dad has been my biggest supporter, yet he's gonna get screwed by me in the long run... It just doesn't seem right. No wonder my family thinks so ill of me. I don't blame them. They have seen this all along. For what it's worth, I've appreciated everything he has done for me. Every. Single. Thing.
Somehow I have to make things right for him, I just don't know how.
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