Checked out

I can honestly say that lately I have been mentally "checked out" since the new year began. With all the drama with my family (which has all been resolved), and then our only car that we have breaking down on Thursday on my way to meet my student teacher, I have just reached my mental capacity for "things going wrong" and therefore just stopped myself from caring. Is it bad that I did that? Or that I have the capacity for doing that?

I guess you can say I have a history of doing this. I did the same thing when we were under pressure to buy a 2nd car. We knew it needed to be done, and we had managed to save about $1,000 for this new car. It had to be something cheap and reliable. It was stressing me out to no end, trying to find this car. Therefore I put Dan in charge of searching. When he found and bought the car, and then when we found out the car was broken AFTER we signed the papers, I mentally checked out after a slight breakdown and call to my daddy (as usual). If that isn't proof enough, a few years back when we were trying like hell (and failing) to avoid bankruptcy, I had Dan take over all the paying of bills. I literally just stop doing what is stressing me out and pretend like the problem doesn't exist. I live in complete oblivion to whatever is around me, and that is the way it has to be or else I am the classic case of panic attacks/anxiety disorder (for which I happily take my pills).

I refuse to let myself think that this is the way that my 2010 will go. It has to be better than this slight glimpse that I have gotten into the new year. This is the year I graduate with my Masters. This is the year I become an Aunt for the second time. This is the year I should find (god willing) a teaching job. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY YEAR! How can it be, though, when I'm mentally checked out? How do I mentally check myself back in? I wish I knew.

With all that going on, I am left to feel one major thing that is really pulling at my heart... Dan (my best friend, my hubby, my Mr.) is moving to work the overnight shift at Crestwood. He'll be working 11pm-7am Wednesdays thru Sundays (for the most part). I am so sad. I hate being in the house during the day without him, so being in my bed without him is going to tear me apart. We will rarely see each other now, because when I will be coming home, he'll be going to sleep. It sucks. Period. I know that he is doing this for us, because financially it makes the most sense. It will save us a ton of money that we'd be spending on babysitting that we just don't have. But still... I'm just left to feel like a wife. A wife that loves her husband and would be content (if they won the lottery) to be with him 24/7 doing whatever we wanted. Now I have to see him when he's not sleeping. It sucks :( Looking on the bright side though, he's staying within the Hillside Family of Agencies, which is good because even though their health benefits cost an arm and a leg (when we could afford them and had health insurance, unlike now), they have really good vacation time. Plus, if he wants to go to school, he could go online and take classes while he's getting paid at work, so it would be highly beneficial if that is what he decides.



Yup, gonna focus on the positive. If I don't, I'll be taking more Lorazapam.....