How life can change in just one year....

Ever have so much to say but know it will take forever to explain, so instead you just avoid explaining it all? That day has come where I decide to expose the last year of my life and attempt to move forward. Pardon the length, it's gonna be a long one...

I'll start with my physical well being. Last March after years of contemplation I decided to look into bariatric surgery. I had struggled with my weight ever since Audrey was born, and I was sick of yo-yo dieting. A friend of mine had the surgery 2 years prior and was looking and feeling amazing, so after many talks with her and consults with my doctor, I decided to proceed. Obviously it was a long process full of appointments with doctors, nutritionists, and therapists, but I was finally able to have the surgery on November 19th. I had previously spoken to my principal about doing it the week of Thanksgiving and we both decided it would be best, and I was out of work for 3 weeks. What I failed to realize was that I would have a numerous amount of complications that were unforseen, but I guess nobody really anticipates them, right?

I was admitted into the hospital 7 different times between December 1st and February 15th. I had another surgery to remove scar tissue which had been blocking my stoma making it impossible for me to digest food and nutrients. One of the times I was actually admitted for anorexia, which I felt was hysterical. The kids and Dan were amazing during this entire ordeal. To be quite honest, there was one point where I actually felt I was going to die from all of these issues. Wouldn't that be crazy? To die just because I wanted to be healthier for my family? I thank the Heavens for my family. Even my mom was supportive and had actually told me she regretted all the weight comments she had made to me over the years because she felt she was to blame for me wanting the surgery. It was nice to hear an apology. 

Anyways, after months and months of complications, you'd expect that I was struggling to keep up at work. I would vomit in the middle of class, and then come right back and teach. Towards the middle of February it was happening multiple times per day. I was weak. I couldn't digest food or nutrients, so I could barely stand for more than 30 seconds at a time. The solution? I bought a stool to sit on so I could continue to teach... but it just wasn't the same. I was doing the absolute best I could given the circumstances, but needless to say it wasn't enough. After much contemplation and tears, I decided to resign from my teaching position and focus on my health. The good news? It worked. I feel much better, not perfect, but much better. The bad news? I miss teaching. I miss the kids. I miss the school. A lot. 

Emotionally- So I've been home for 6 months now, and while it's been great to focus on my recovery and spend the summer with my kiddos, I feel lost, empty... worthless? I'm watching my family struggle financially and I know that it's because of my decision to resign. My kiddos aren't getting new school clothes this year. I borrowed $30 from my grandmother to buy them their school supplies. I have nothing to give my family, except for a headache apparently. As much as I know that leaving was the best thing for me at the time, I regret it. I did not just have a "job", I had a CAREER. It was a career that I LOVED. I've applied to over 200 jobs and haven't even been called for an interview, so the chances of me finding work anytime soon are probably slim. All of my teacher friends are setting up their classrooms and getting ready to start a brand new year, and I sit here having nothing to accomplish. The biggest thing on my to-do list today is vacuum. Whoa. I feel like such a waste, I have so much good in me, and yet I can't find anywhere to DO the good. Just makes me depressed. 

NEW SUBJECT- The kiddos! 

I can't believe how fast a year goes and how much can change! I believe my last entry Benjamin was about to enter Kindergarten, and now he's heading into 1st grade next week! This picture was him getting on the bus for the first day of school. His smile says it all. He positively LOVED school and was so proud of everything that he learned last year. I know he will continue to make us proud this year as well. 

He has played many sports over the past year- bowling, baseball, soccer, and football, and I'm almost positive that football is his favorite. He astonishes me with how athletic he is, and I'm not just saying that because I'm his mommy.... the kid is AWESOME! Every coach he's had this year has told us this, so we feel pretty validated in our opinion :) He is still struggling with reading but he's getting better each day. We are very proud of him and the little man that he is becoming. Oh, and another thing... he got glasses last month! Doesn't my little boy look adorable? hehe Such a little ladies man! 

Audrey is officially a 4th grader now... where did time go, seriously???? She is continuing to cheerlead this year as she loved it so much last year. She is a base and a featured tumbler. Again, not to brag, but my kid is just good. She also just completed her 6th year of dance, isn't that insane? She turned 9 this summer and she was supposed to have a big pool party, but unfortunately her behavior was pretty yucky so I cancelled it, hoping to teach her a lesson. Not sure if it worked, but hopefully she will never doubt my authority again. She is in counseling for her behavior/anxiety, and again, I'm not sure if it's working lol. She is just struggling with what (I hope) are just age-typical behaviors. Some days she's amazing, and other days she is less than amazing haha I think she frustrates me more than Benjamin does because I know what potential she has, and I don't want her to waste it. All of her school reports are typical for Audrey- above average. She had such a wonderful teacher this year and she had a great year. She even met some new friends! She is very excited to begin her last year in elementary school. In our district, middle school begins in 5th grade... yikes! 

Dan and I just celebrated 8 years of marriage... where has the time gone??? This past year has by far been our most difficult in wedded life, but the fact that we are still together tells me that our bond is unbreakable. I love him very much and couldn't imagine spending my life with anyone else. Below is a picture from our anniversary when we walked the pier at the beach :)

So many other things have happened this summer, including our trip to Myrtle Beach, many camping trips, and numerous other family fun days. I hope we can have a summer like this every year :)

I have lots of updates on my friends, but that will have to wait til another day! Hopefully I continue to blog... I always forget how much I enjoy it! 

Family

Just thought I'd post and say how lucky I am to have such a great family :) My kiddos are so amazing, and I have the best hubby in the world <3 Audrey is in 3rd grade now, and on her report card she made all above average marks :) Benjamin is now officially in Kindergarten, and we've been working very hard for him to recognize all of his letters and numbers! He can even count to 100 now! He is playing soccer this year after all, and he loves it so much! I know my life is busy, but I wouldn't trade it for the world! It is totally worth seeing a smile on my kids' faces!

Kids with their cousin Haley!

Anthony!

Summer happiness

I realize it's not even summer yet, but I cannot explain how ridiculously happy I have been this weekend! Yes, it is Memorial Day weekend, so I have 4 days off in a row, which will make any teacher happy! However, I think I am just looking forward to things to come this summer! We bought a pool a few months back and it is being installed this week. Dan and the kids bought me a fire pit for Mothers Day, so I know we'll be having lots of good times by the fire too. I just have this amazing feeling :-)

I think I made the right choice not letting the kids play soccer this year. It would have been too much for me to be going back and forth and scheduling around dance and gymnastics. Besides, when football and cheer start up, they will be busy enough! I'm glad I'll be sitting with 2 of my very good friends (Michelle and Nichole) watching our girls cheer together! I can just imagine all the pictures that are to come! hehe

September 2011

Old blog post that was never posted: September 2011

Well, Ben is officially in Pre-Kindergarten! He was a bit apprehensive about it on Monday when he started, but Dan said that once he picked him up Ben was in much better spirits and had a very good time! I was thrilled! He also started baseball on Wednesday, so it has been a pretty big week for him! Again, he was a bit nervous, but with time (and a bribe), he did fantastic and is eager for next week!

Audrey is loving 2nd grade so far! I'm not really surprised, I knew she would love this year! We met her teacher at Open House, and she seems like a very nice woman. Audrey also began her 5th (yes, 5th) year of dance this year, and tomorrow she begins gymnastics for the 3rd year. It's crazy how fast time is going by. She is really becoming a "diva", and it's killing me!

Depressed (05/2010)

Found this old blog post that was never posted... came from about 2 years ago: May 2010

I don't know why, but I am in such a depressed mood for the past few days. I have been going places and have been trying to hide it (I think I am pulling it off ok), but I can't get over the feeling of utter and complete failure in life.

Example #1- I am still jobless. Yes, I am subbing, making a whopping $80/day (for a 7 hour day equals $11.43 per hour), but that just isn't enough. Yes, it's more than I was making before, but do you know how depressing it is to see my friends who only graduated high school making more money than me per hour??? Yes, I don't mind subbing, but truthfully I want a classroom where I can do my own thing, not follow someone else's rules and curriculum! I am so beyond depressed about the job situation it isn't even funny. I feel so ashamed that I haven't found a job, or even been called in for an interview! I understand that with all the layoffs recently it is really tough on schools now, and the job market is totally competitive, but that didn't stop my friend Ashley from already getting a job, or stop Brenda from getting a long-term sub job, or Jamie from getting a job.... I really think I am a good teacher. While some people have 3 or 4 letters of reccomendation for their file, I have 9... not because I've asked 9 people, but because people have OFFERED to write them for me. Clearly I'm not as good as I think I am though. It's so depressing.

Example #2- I live at my dads house. While he may not live here and visit for an hour once a week, he still pays the mortgage. I know that I am very fortunate for that, but to be honest I do not like this house. This house was my grandparents when I was a kid, and then my dad bought it when they moved out. It just doesn't feel like my own. Plus, the thing is a piece of crap, and everyone knows it. There is so much work to be done to the house and we just have no money to do it. It feels like something is always breaking. Today it was the plumbing, everyday something electrically goes wrong... I honestly just don't even feel safe here anymore. Plus it's soooo outdated. Everything needs to be redone, which is why nobody else wants to live here. It's so depressing... I'm ashamed of this home, and there is nothing I can do about it because I don't (and will never) have money.

Example #3- My kids. I love my kids, but I wish I could give them so much more. Dan sleeps everyday once I get home from subbing, so it's basically just me and the kids.

Changes

Lots of changes have been happening recently, and I finally can acknowledge that it is us who is making them occur. We bought a pool this year, and we're super excited about it. The kids will love having that to play in all summer long, and I'll love coming home to that after working summer program (again). I think it will be a nice way for Dan to cool off this summer too, since our house is unreasonably warm in the summer and his body temperature is naturally a little higher than normal. Plus Audrey gets to have a pool party for her birthday this year, so it's perfect!

We were supposed to get a deck too, but we have had no such luck in that department. We asked Jeremy to help us with that, but the answer was a very clear NO. It just makes me sick to think how "family" treats one another. We do so much for my sister and Jeremy, but it is NEVER reciprocated. I am honestly thinking of telling them we can't watch Anth anymore, but it would turn out to be more of a punishment for us, because then we'd never see him :( Just sucks being in a situation where you want this relationship with someone that clearly does not care the depth of the relationship with you have with them.

We just got rid of our PT Cruiser and traded it in for another minivan. We are VERY excited about this, which probably makes us nerds, but we don't care. Dan rarely ever will give an honest preference, but he has been saying for quite a while how much he misses our old minivan, so we feel very good about our switch. It will be nice if we go to Myrtle Beach this year again too, because last year's trip was pretty rough. The Cruiser was just so tiny, and we felt very cramped! It will be nice to take our time and feel more comfortable on our trip! I can't wait! Hopefully it happens!

We weren't supposed to go to MB this year, but we had put a little money towards a deck when we thought that Jer was gonna build it, and now that he isn't, we can't afford any of the other quotes we had. We were gonna pay Jeremy $1,000 to build it, and the materials would cost about $2,500, giving the total of $3,500. The lowest quote we from other contractors was $6,700.... therefore, we're taking the kids on a vacation instead and we're gonna enjoy every moment of it!

I've started a part-time job a few months ago. I am now an employee at Justice, which is a clothing store for young girls. It also happens to be Audrey's favorite store, so I get a pretty sweet discount. I hate it though... I wish I didn't have to work a 2nd job. I just want to make sure we are financially "set" so that next year I don't have to work over the summer.

Audrey has decided to dance competitively this fall. She's very excited, and even though it's more money per month, we'll be saving in gas money because it's right around the corner. She's gonna also be cheerleading this year while Ben is playing football. Both kids are very excited!

All around, I'd say things are going well :)

Sick to my stomach....

I don't really even know what to say right now... I'm depressed, and when I get depressed, I get sick. Dan and I have had appointments with Quality Homes of Rochester to get our kitchen re-done. Even though we  had gone through Home Depot before, we just weren't totally happy with it. We wouldn't have gotten any more cupboard space or counter space, so we didn't really want to invest 10K when it would only look better, but not truly meet our needs. So anyways, we've had all these appointments, and I don't know what I was thinking, but I let my guard down. I didn't let any negative thoughts come my way, only positive. What a huge mistake that was. The kitchen cost is literally double what I was anticipating.... DOUBLE! 35K to be exact.

I'm so mad at myself for thinking so positively. Can this still happen? Sure, if we can get financed, but Dan and I had anticipated on using tax money each year to help with the cost to lower it so we'd cut a few years off.... I don't think that is possible with this new price. The depressing part is that we didn't even do top notch stuff, we went pretty modest with everything. We weren't getting granite countertops and cherry cabinets with hardwood or tile flooring, we went pretty cheap! Like I said, it may still happen, but if it does, we're gonna have to take a few things off of our plans, and we may have to downgrade even more. I hate to invest so much money when it's not everything that I want though. I know this is going to be a house that we're going to be in for a while (as much as I hate to say that), so I really want to make it exactly what we want. I just hate that it may not be financially possible.

I've been so depressed all night, but thank goodness for the kids and Dan. The kids were seriously angels all night because they knew mommy was sad, and Dan is just super supportive and knows exactly what to say. I know this is going to sound super mushy and probably ridiculous, but I just cannot imagine my life without Dan. This past week marked a whole 9 years we have been together. Maybe it's just me from all the relationships that I have observed, but I don't think married couples are supposed to be this happy... when are we supposed to start hating each other and become bitter at the other person's existence? I honestly don't think that will ever happen between Dan and I (now I may be being naive). I just think that we are best friends, and that somehow we will always choose to journey together in whatever life throws at us. He is the most amazing man I know.

The kids are amazing too! Every day they make me laugh about something! Today it was Audrey rolling her eyes at something she saw on tv, and Ben singing the words to a stupid Lady Gaga song while trying to snap his fingers. They evolve so quickly, and they really do have their own personalities. Audrey is so self-driven, she's ridiculously too hard on herself, loves music and singing, and she's starting to become a health nut. Ben is pretty selfish when it comes to material possessions (or food), but he's the first to help you out when you're in need (even if it is just special hugs and kisses). He's also hysterical, and really reminds me of Dan... super shy when you first meet him, but when he opens up you can't help but fall in love <3

I know I am extremely lucky in regards to family, but is it too much to ask for everything to go well all at once? I want more... I want a nice kitchen, am I being selfish? I want a home to be proud of, and won't be too ashamed to invite people over. I want something to be proud of that I financially afforded, not something that my daddy gave me. Does that even make sense? Who knows... here's to hoping...