Depressed (05/2010)

Found this old blog post that was never posted... came from about 2 years ago: May 2010

I don't know why, but I am in such a depressed mood for the past few days. I have been going places and have been trying to hide it (I think I am pulling it off ok), but I can't get over the feeling of utter and complete failure in life.

Example #1- I am still jobless. Yes, I am subbing, making a whopping $80/day (for a 7 hour day equals $11.43 per hour), but that just isn't enough. Yes, it's more than I was making before, but do you know how depressing it is to see my friends who only graduated high school making more money than me per hour??? Yes, I don't mind subbing, but truthfully I want a classroom where I can do my own thing, not follow someone else's rules and curriculum! I am so beyond depressed about the job situation it isn't even funny. I feel so ashamed that I haven't found a job, or even been called in for an interview! I understand that with all the layoffs recently it is really tough on schools now, and the job market is totally competitive, but that didn't stop my friend Ashley from already getting a job, or stop Brenda from getting a long-term sub job, or Jamie from getting a job.... I really think I am a good teacher. While some people have 3 or 4 letters of reccomendation for their file, I have 9... not because I've asked 9 people, but because people have OFFERED to write them for me. Clearly I'm not as good as I think I am though. It's so depressing.

Example #2- I live at my dads house. While he may not live here and visit for an hour once a week, he still pays the mortgage. I know that I am very fortunate for that, but to be honest I do not like this house. This house was my grandparents when I was a kid, and then my dad bought it when they moved out. It just doesn't feel like my own. Plus, the thing is a piece of crap, and everyone knows it. There is so much work to be done to the house and we just have no money to do it. It feels like something is always breaking. Today it was the plumbing, everyday something electrically goes wrong... I honestly just don't even feel safe here anymore. Plus it's soooo outdated. Everything needs to be redone, which is why nobody else wants to live here. It's so depressing... I'm ashamed of this home, and there is nothing I can do about it because I don't (and will never) have money.

Example #3- My kids. I love my kids, but I wish I could give them so much more. Dan sleeps everyday once I get home from subbing, so it's basically just me and the kids.