I don't really even know what to say right now... I'm depressed, and when I get depressed, I get sick. Dan and I have had appointments with Quality Homes of Rochester to get our kitchen re-done. Even though we had gone through Home Depot before, we just weren't totally happy with it. We wouldn't have gotten any more cupboard space or counter space, so we didn't really want to invest 10K when it would only look better, but not truly meet our needs. So anyways, we've had all these appointments, and I don't know what I was thinking, but I let my guard down. I didn't let any negative thoughts come my way, only positive. What a huge mistake that was. The kitchen cost is literally double what I was anticipating.... DOUBLE! 35K to be exact.
I'm so mad at myself for thinking so positively. Can this still happen? Sure, if we can get financed, but Dan and I had anticipated on using tax money each year to help with the cost to lower it so we'd cut a few years off.... I don't think that is possible with this new price. The depressing part is that we didn't even do top notch stuff, we went pretty modest with everything. We weren't getting granite countertops and cherry cabinets with hardwood or tile flooring, we went pretty cheap! Like I said, it may still happen, but if it does, we're gonna have to take a few things off of our plans, and we may have to downgrade even more. I hate to invest so much money when it's not everything that I want though. I know this is going to be a house that we're going to be in for a while (as much as I hate to say that), so I really want to make it exactly what we want. I just hate that it may not be financially possible.
I've been so depressed all night, but thank goodness for the kids and Dan. The kids were seriously angels all night because they knew mommy was sad, and Dan is just super supportive and knows exactly what to say. I know this is going to sound super mushy and probably ridiculous, but I just cannot imagine my life without Dan. This past week marked a whole 9 years we have been together. Maybe it's just me from all the relationships that I have observed, but I don't think married couples are supposed to be this happy... when are we supposed to start hating each other and become bitter at the other person's existence? I honestly don't think that will ever happen between Dan and I (now I may be being naive). I just think that we are best friends, and that somehow we will always choose to journey together in whatever life throws at us. He is the most amazing man I know.
The kids are amazing too! Every day they make me laugh about something! Today it was Audrey rolling her eyes at something she saw on tv, and Ben singing the words to a stupid Lady Gaga song while trying to snap his fingers. They evolve so quickly, and they really do have their own personalities. Audrey is so self-driven, she's ridiculously too hard on herself, loves music and singing, and she's starting to become a health nut. Ben is pretty selfish when it comes to material possessions (or food), but he's the first to help you out when you're in need (even if it is just special hugs and kisses). He's also hysterical, and really reminds me of Dan... super shy when you first meet him, but when he opens up you can't help but fall in love <3
I know I am extremely lucky in regards to family, but is it too much to ask for everything to go well all at once? I want more... I want a nice kitchen, am I being selfish? I want a home to be proud of, and won't be too ashamed to invite people over. I want something to be proud of that I financially afforded, not something that my daddy gave me. Does that even make sense? Who knows... here's to hoping...
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