Sick to my stomach....

I don't really even know what to say right now... I'm depressed, and when I get depressed, I get sick. Dan and I have had appointments with Quality Homes of Rochester to get our kitchen re-done. Even though we  had gone through Home Depot before, we just weren't totally happy with it. We wouldn't have gotten any more cupboard space or counter space, so we didn't really want to invest 10K when it would only look better, but not truly meet our needs. So anyways, we've had all these appointments, and I don't know what I was thinking, but I let my guard down. I didn't let any negative thoughts come my way, only positive. What a huge mistake that was. The kitchen cost is literally double what I was anticipating.... DOUBLE! 35K to be exact.

I'm so mad at myself for thinking so positively. Can this still happen? Sure, if we can get financed, but Dan and I had anticipated on using tax money each year to help with the cost to lower it so we'd cut a few years off.... I don't think that is possible with this new price. The depressing part is that we didn't even do top notch stuff, we went pretty modest with everything. We weren't getting granite countertops and cherry cabinets with hardwood or tile flooring, we went pretty cheap! Like I said, it may still happen, but if it does, we're gonna have to take a few things off of our plans, and we may have to downgrade even more. I hate to invest so much money when it's not everything that I want though. I know this is going to be a house that we're going to be in for a while (as much as I hate to say that), so I really want to make it exactly what we want. I just hate that it may not be financially possible.

I've been so depressed all night, but thank goodness for the kids and Dan. The kids were seriously angels all night because they knew mommy was sad, and Dan is just super supportive and knows exactly what to say. I know this is going to sound super mushy and probably ridiculous, but I just cannot imagine my life without Dan. This past week marked a whole 9 years we have been together. Maybe it's just me from all the relationships that I have observed, but I don't think married couples are supposed to be this happy... when are we supposed to start hating each other and become bitter at the other person's existence? I honestly don't think that will ever happen between Dan and I (now I may be being naive). I just think that we are best friends, and that somehow we will always choose to journey together in whatever life throws at us. He is the most amazing man I know.

The kids are amazing too! Every day they make me laugh about something! Today it was Audrey rolling her eyes at something she saw on tv, and Ben singing the words to a stupid Lady Gaga song while trying to snap his fingers. They evolve so quickly, and they really do have their own personalities. Audrey is so self-driven, she's ridiculously too hard on herself, loves music and singing, and she's starting to become a health nut. Ben is pretty selfish when it comes to material possessions (or food), but he's the first to help you out when you're in need (even if it is just special hugs and kisses). He's also hysterical, and really reminds me of Dan... super shy when you first meet him, but when he opens up you can't help but fall in love <3

I know I am extremely lucky in regards to family, but is it too much to ask for everything to go well all at once? I want more... I want a nice kitchen, am I being selfish? I want a home to be proud of, and won't be too ashamed to invite people over. I want something to be proud of that I financially afforded, not something that my daddy gave me. Does that even make sense? Who knows... here's to hoping...

Perceptions

All day on Sunday I was feeling depressed. I found out that a distant family member had trashed not only me, but my father as well. This is really no surprise, since I was never fond of this person anyways, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for myself. After indulging in way too much chocolate in an attempt to make myself feel better (which did work until the feeling of nausea came over me), I couldn't help but refocus on the words that were said about me. Without going into too many details (as I would probably start crying again), the general statement was that I am a sponge who takes advantage of people (my father) for money. I have never lied about the fact that my dad pays for the home I now live in, but for someone to think that I am living here by choice is just ridiculous (especially a family member). If I had a CHOICE, I'd pay for this house by myself. However, financial situations being what they are, I regret to say that I cannot do so. It eats me alive. My step-mom lost her job, so my dad's financial situation has gotten tremendously worse, and obviously I cannot express the depth of my guilt about not being able to help him out. So yes, I cried ALL day on Sunday. I cried for myself, and I cried for my father, who is now short one brother due to all his negative comments. To think that I played a role in that is eating me alive.

However, on Monday when I reported back to work for the year, I was almost moved to tears for a different reason. My principal led a variety of workshops, and told a variety of stories. One story was of a boy who used to go to school at HH, and came to school in September in his winter boots. After a few days of this, she pulled him aside and asked him to please wear his sneakers the next day. The following day, the boy came in with his boots on again, but he was carrying a bag with a pair of shoes in it. He went up to Sr. Diana and opened the bag, and asked her if she had any duct tape to use on his shoes. The shoes were torn apart from toe to heel. I think the best part of this story was that my principal KEPT THE SHOES, and as she was speaking passed them around to everyone. It was so moving. The mother had 3 boys, all of whom had ADHD, and her husband recently left her. She was working as hard as she could to support her family, but couldn't afford new shoes for her kids, so she sent her son in a pair of boots so he didn't get teased for his sneakers. This story pulled at my heartstrings, maybe because the day before I was feeling sorry for myself.

I realized that it didn't matter what one person thought of me. I know the truth. Nowhere in this vindictive letter that was written did it mention that I obtained my Bachelors and Masters degree while having 2 children and working full time, sometimes 2 and 3 jobs at once. I have been working as hard as I can for as long as I can remember to better the life for my family, so that one day I won't have to rely on my father for support. If I were a "sponge" that didn't care that my dad was helping me, would I even be working at all? I think not. Would Dan and I fight about finances so often? I think not. Would I have been so upset that it has caused an understandable rift between my sister and I for so many years? I think not. So I am making peace with what was said. The person who wrote the letter clearly does not know me, so I am choosing to ignore what was said. My true friends and family know the real me, and that is all that matters. <3

End rant. Now for the real update.
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My summer vacation was short but sweet. I worked summer program this year, which I was very anxious about, but I ended up enjoying myself immensely because I spent the day with some fabulous kids and some of the best friends you could ask for. The money definitely helped too, so I think I will be working summer program for at least the next couple of years.

A few weeks ago, we drove to Myrtle Beach with the kids, and had the most fantastic vacation with my family! The kids loved our first official vacation! Audrey swam like a fish in the ocean, and Benjamin built a variety of sand castles with Aunt Debbie and Audrey. Looking back, I don't think anything could have gone better. The kids were really well behaved, and even in our "down time", they enjoyed spending time with family that they don't get to see very often. One of my favorite memories from MB was just playing the game "Bullshit" with my Grandma! It was just so funny, and everyone was in the greatest of moods! While the vacation may not have gone as smoothly for other people, I just don't have a single complaint!

Needless to say, I was a tiny bit anxious about returning back to work. I am not quite sure why, I don't have a specific reason. Maybe it's because I am worried that this year really won't be any easier than last year. Everyone says it will, but I have such a small class this year to start (7 boys) that I may be able to do more projects that I wasn't able to do with a larger group last year. I guess only time will tell! I actually find out my schedule today, so I'm kinda excited for that! I have adopted a polka-dot theme for my class this year! I think it is turning out fabulous, but I may be a little bias. =)

We enrolled Benjamin in Pre-Kindergarten, and even though he was dreading it at first, he seems super excited now! When we visited the classroom, he discovered a whole Thomas the Train set, and has been excited ever since! Hey, whatever works! Audrey found out that her 2nd grade teacher this year is Mrs. Donnelly, and was even more excited to discover that Arianna (one of her best friends) is in her class. I am surprising her with a sleepover this weekend! She'll have 3 friends here, so I'm hoping she has a good time. =)

Alright, gotta head to work!

The real update

Audrey turned 7 yesterday, I cannot even believe how fast time has flown by. The fact that Benjamin is going to be 5 this year just really throws me for a loop. Lots of people have been asking the baby question recently to Dan and I. While his answer has been consistently NO since Ben was born, I have had swings in either direction. I love holding a new baby, smelling their scalp after a bath, dressing them up in the most adorable little outfits, shopping for them, the first smile and laugh, singing to them when they are crying, the point in which they start to develop their own unique little personality... crap, I'm talking myself into it again! But on the other hand, I love having a bit more freedom. There is no more diaper bag, car seat to carry them around in, afternoon nap in which the other kids would have to stay perfectly silent for, diapers, etc. However the event that sealed the deal for me not wanting another child was Haley's first birthday party.

I will start by saying that 2 years ago, her party would have been HELL for me. It was the most adorable little party, filled with a few inflatable pools, some inflatable climby thing, and a slip and slide, plus it was right next to a parking lot, so my anxiety would have been through the roof! I would have had to stand next to Benjamin and Audrey the whole time, making sure nobody ran into the parking lot, or drown in the pool, or fell off the climby thing... yet that was not the case a few weeks ago. I sat about 20 feet away with all the other adults, my chair pointed in the kids direction so I had a clear view of them, and chatted with the other adults while the kids had fun. I had no diaper changes, no accidents, NOTHING. I was able to enjoy the party, and the kids were able to enjoy themselves. It was awesome.

I still can't believe that Haley just turned one, and Anthony is gonna be 2 this year. That is truly insane to me. Our last visit for Haley's birthday she actually didn't cry when she saw us... I think she actually is beginning to recognize us and our voices. She just loves the kids too, which is not surprising because they are so good with her, but I think they have had lots of practice with Anthony. We see him often, as we watch him for about an hour and a half during the day 4 days a week. He is just the happiest little boy, it's so awesome to watch his personality develop. He loves the kids too (and me), but his favorite is D (Dan). So imagine my excitement when I was at my mom's house the other day and Anthony was there (first time my mom has watched him in a LONG time... ) and Anthony was crying for me and as soon as I picked him up and started singing to him, he calmed right down and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Cutest thing ever. I will definitely never forget that moment. <3

Things with Julie have been "okay". We always seem to be so hot and cold. We had a talk the other day where I basically admitted my jealousy with her relationship with her sister in law, and she seemed to understand. Sometimes I feel like Julie and Jeremy want nothing to do with our side of the family, but I wonder how much of it is Jeremy and how much of it is Julie. They seemed very pleasant at Audrey's birthday party though, so hopefully we're taking the right steps to a healthier relationship with them.

Dan and I are doing well... I can't believe we will be married 6 years in less than a month! That's insane! I guess time flies when you're having fun (or when you never see each other). He's decided he's gonna stay on overnights for at least one more year until Ben enters Kindergarten, and then go from there. Personally, I think if he stays on overnights longer it would make more sense, because then he can sleep during the day when the kids are gone, and spend time with us at night. Who knows though. I hate him not sleeping next to me, but I guess it's getting easier. The only problem with the job though is the money sucks, and we could certainly use some extra cash. I think that's why watching Cailyn is so important to us, because it's extra income.

We just had an appointment at Home Depot last week about our kitchen design, and we have one all picked out, so now we're just waiting to have the cash. I'd love to just do it now, but it's not realistic, and I've had a crappy kitchen for so long, I can wait another year or so. It's just nice to have an actual plan in place for when we can afford it! We'd also like to get a pool next year, but we'll see how that goes. We always have big lofty plans, and nothing ever comes of it. We were supposed to get a nice new swing set this year, and look how that turned out. =(

The friend situation- Hmmmm.... Where do I begin?

Marisa is doing well lately. She has a new girlfriend named Christina and they seem to be doing pretty well. I just met her for the first time 2 days ago and they seemed very happy and very serious. I hope this works out for Misa, she deserves to have that kind of love in her life. I know she's been struggling with Cailyn lately, but hopefully that will improve with time. She's still living on her own and loving it. I'm happy for her =)  Jen... well, I don't think we are friends anymore, and I'm pretty sure this time it will stick (although Lord knows how many times I've said that in my lifetime). She did some pretty terrible things, and spread a really horrible rumor, and I just dont think mentally I can take it anymore. It's sad, because as I type this I am regretful to say I miss her, but I think it's because we were friends for so long, there is just a void there that just isn't filled yet. I'm sure I will see her around, because I still plan on remaining friends with Becky and her family, but who knows. I'm hoping my friendship with Becky won't be affected, but I can't be sure. So far it has taken a minor hit, as we don't text nearly as often, but I think it's because it's a little strange knowing she can't really mention Jen to me, and obviously her and Jen are close, so there is a bit of awkwardness there. I love Becky though, so I'm hoping our friendship will remain solid. I've grown really close to Michelle recently, and I must say I love it. Audrey and Amanda have definitely helped the friendship grow, since they are so close. She's just really easy to talk to and non judgmental, plus she's hysterical, so we always have a good time together. She thinks it's a little odd to have a friend so much younger than her, but I don't think it's that bad. As long as we get along, who cares, right? Amy is doing well too. Unfortunately she just lost a baby a few months ago, and clearly herself and Mark were devastated, so they are slowly picking up the pieces and praying for another chance. They don't make it to Rochester as often as they were coming, but maybe with summer coming up we'll see them more.

Alright, Anth will be here in a few minutes so I'm gonna get ready. Had another migraine this morning so I've been up ever since, and now it's almost time for work! Lucky me!!!

Life in general is chaotic

I'm lost this week. My dear MIL wanted to take the kids for the week and spend quality time with them, and I know they are having such a great time, but I just miss them terribly. I'm sure they'll get into some huge fight the day they return and I'll wish that I had a few more moments of freedom, but the house just feels so empty. I sat in Audrey's room today for a few minutes just looking around, missing her. I can't wait til they get back. I'll have my cuddle partner back, and my constant source of laughter!

School ended a couple days ago for me. It was nice, but I wish I had a longer break. Summer school starts in about 5 days, so I'm gonna be back for 5 weeks over the summer. My saving grace will honestly be going to Myrtle Beach in August. I am so excited to take Benny on his first vacation! I'd like to go camping also at Darien Lake before I have to report back, but I guess we'll have to see how the financial situation goes.

The lumps on my breasts were cysts. Apparently I've had them before most likely, and actually I have one now. I am just prone to them, so I'll try not to worry. I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna stop writing. Maybe someday I'll have time to really update on how things have been going... lord knows there is much more than this!

Drama Queen

Does anyone else constantly think of worse-case scenarios??? I'm sure I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I must be. Yet I can't stop my mind from racing.

Dan and I discovered a lump on my left breast, and it's approximately the size of a dime. I think I'm actually mad at myself that I didn't notice it sooner. I've been silently freaking out for a while now (obviously with Dan), and I finally decided it was time to call my OBGYN and get it checked out. I was amazed with how fast they got me in. I have an appointment in almost exactly 12 hours from now. I am pretty positive that we won't know anything tomorrow, and I will likely go for additional testing, but it's just nerve-wracking. Ugh, ok... heading to bed now, just needed to vent.

New adventure?

As if I don't have a ton of other stuff going on right now, I've been thinking about possibly writing children's chapter books as a new hobby. I highly doubt anything would come of it, but I love writing, and I think it would be kinda fun! I could base the characters off of the kids, and really just write story lines that follow their lives. I don't know, it would be kinda cool. I already have a ton of ideas going through my head, however my biggest challenge is trying to find time to actually start writing! Being a first year teacher definitely doesn't give me a lot of free time! Hopefully I can start soon =)

So far, so good

I can't believe the first 2 months of 2011 are already over. Time is just flying by, and it's hard to believe I am approaching the end of my first year of teaching. Things are going well. My student teacher has turned out to be really great. She's definitely independent and a very strong teacher, she just needs to work on her classroom management. Overall though I'd say it has been a great experience, and I would definitely welcome a student teacher again.

Since the beginning of the year, Dan and I have been on a quite different journey... a journey to a more healthier life. We began following Weight Watchers online January first. Then, 2 weeks later we re-joined the YMCA. The financial cost is quite substantial, but going to the gym is actually something that I look forward to now. The first time I went, I could barely go on the cross-trainer for 5 minutes. I have worked myself up to 25 minutes, and it keeps getting better. So far I am down 18 pounds, and Dan is down 32. Recently I have begun to lose my motivation, but today I've decided I need to start tracking my food again, as I lost that part of the plan along the way. Hopefully the next time I report I'll have lost more weight!

Financially we are still struggling, and it just seems like an endless battle. My dad tried for another loan again and was denied because of my student loans (as he co-signed for them). It just makes me feel awful. His overtime was just taken away from him too, so now financially he is struggling even more because of me... I hate that guilt. I called my student loan lender, and they said he can't be removed from the loan until I've made 48 consecutive payments. He has to wait 4 years... that sucks =(

Dan and I had thought about putting money away for a house very slowly, and possibly purchasing within 5 years. However, as we took a closer look at our finances, we came to the conclusion that it wouldn't really make sense to do this, and make our financial situation worse. Within the next few years, we'd like to start renovating the house. For example, I have big ideas for the kitchen (as the whole thing needs to be replaced). My only concern is paying for it at once, since we can't qualify for a loan. We'll cross that bridge when we get there. I have to work on my patience! I want it all done NOW, and I have to understand that it's a slow process of saving and renovating, and that if I can stay to our budget, everything will get done in due time. I just really don't want to struggle throughout my whole kids' lives. But, I guess considering we had children young, we're doing pretty well.

Alright, it's bedtime! I'm reading a book series right now that is hard to put down, but I'm having trouble allowing myself time to read because I'm so busy with everything else!